Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
