I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
