I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
