There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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