they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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