i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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