Sponge bath it is.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
