you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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