I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
