The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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