I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
