maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
