If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
