I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
