Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
