how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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