I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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