This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
