My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need to align my fucking chakras
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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