i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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