i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
