she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Vodka?
Forever.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
