Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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