i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
