Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
