I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
