my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
