we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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