I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
