Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
