so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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