he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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