bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
