my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Send help, water and tortillas.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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