I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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