Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
