Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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