ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
