Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
