If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My liver just had a heart attack.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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