You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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