Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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