saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
