life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
