What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
