just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
