I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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