I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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