His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
