id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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